The Games We Play
by BleedingCoffee
Summary: The members of team Mustang play a few games together, though the stakes keep getting higher. State Alchemist Card Game, Drinking Games and the many betting pools make life interesting.
1. State Alchemist Battle Card Game

AN: Just a little something I wrote for my Tumblr blog. I post there frequently with backburner fics, ficlets, teasers, updates, questions. Follow me if you'd like, BleedingCoffee42. Combining a few of these to make a Team Mustang fic, cause I love them so.

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA

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><p>The Games We Play<p>

Chapter 1

State Alchemist Battle Card Game

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><p>Ed's eyes narrowed as he looked at the mess of board games and cards on the conference table in Mustang's office. Al was outside trying to give away a box of kittens to people and he was left to submit his report on his own. He forgot it was lunchtime, Mustang would probably make him wait around until lunch was over to get back to business. "Someone hit a garage sale or something?"<p>

"Aww, sorry Kimblee!" Roy threw the card across the table at Havoc. "Looks like you are arrested by the fashion police for wearing white after Labor Day. Skip two turns."

"Ha! Get out of jail free for doing the evil bidding of the State card!" Havoc flicked the card at Mustang.

Ed frowned and looked at the "game" they were playing. Cards, kid's board games, paper play money…what the hell was all of this? On and some cool as shit action figures of alchemists. Well maybe getting here a little early wasn't so bad.

"_Explosive _diarrhea, skip two turns." Mustang tossed the card down with a smug smile.

"Venereal disease strikes fangirl horde, they're out of play for three turns!" Havoc countered.

Riza shook her head and went back to reading. So much for a quiet lunch. Stupid boys.

Roy delicately placed a card in the center of the table and smiled. "Flash Charming smile, Fangirls cured."

Havoc threw his cards down and spat, "Damn this stupid game!"

Mustang sat quietly with a smile on his face looking at his cards. "Your play, Breda. I mean, Armstrong."

"You're actually playing kid's games?" Ed queried.

Havoc lit a cigarette and leaned back in his chair. "State Alchemist Battle card game."

Ed raised his eyebrows. They made that? "Seriously?"

Hawkeye sighed. "They found some collector card battle game and expanded on it. Part Pokemon, part Uno, mostly ridiculous and 100% annoying."

Havoc pointed to the table. "We use CandyLand as the board. There is a Battleship side game to determine what "ship" your fangirl horde is on at the moment, and Risk over there for when you are drawn into tactical combat. The Game of Life determines your career to begin and after you make your way through 'East City Candyland" you can move to "Central Monopoly" and start buying your way to power."

"Fangirl horde?" Ed asked. He got the rest. He knew what the other games were, but the rules were still fuzzy.

"Each alchemist starts with his base powers and a fangirl horde. You can play cards to have them go defensive or offensive but your opponent can play the rabid or yaoi card." Havoc explained

"Rabid or yaoi?" Ed asked.

"Rabid is when they turn on you and molest you to knock off health and mental points. Yaoi is when they use the ship over there to force you to be draw closer to your opponent because of your gay love for them. To break that curse you must sink the ship."

Breda chimed in, "Each alchemist's fangirls have certain powers. Mustang's replenish quickly cause he's…him, Kimblee's can play anywhere on the board since he's mentally all over the place, Amrstrong's have clothes exploding action."

Ed looked at all the game boards and cards. It was so ridiculously over complicated only an alchemist could have dreamt it up. So if Mustang made the game…."What do _my _fangirls do?"

"Look under the microscope to see you." Mustang said dryly but his face betrayed his amusement at his own joke.

"Deal me in." Ed hissed. By God he was going to beat him at his own made up game! Screw you Mustang! Goddamned asshole!

"After Breda makes his last move and quits stalling." Roy replied and cocked an eyebrow at the man.

"Fine." Breda threw his card down. "Armstrong pectoral dancing plus ten."

Mustang flicked a card at him. "My fangirls are not amused, I play my "Ice queen catches you masturbating with Armstrong family's famous recipe _hardwood _floor cleaner card."

"Dammit!" Breda threw his cards down.

"Which means that I'm going to roast the sparkles out of your hair with Flame Alchemy plus five." Mustang placed the card down and grinned.

Breda countered with, "I have the bucket of water card! Your Flames are extinguished!"

"Not so fast…" Mustang placed his ace in the hole. "Colonel Must-Bang Wet T-Shirt Power incites a fangirl riot in your ranks. They want my abs now!"

Ed grabbed the card that was his and checked it over. Strength, above average. Intelligence above average with immaturity minus ten. Alchemy, Earth elemental bonus. Fangirl superpower: squee plus ten. "What's a 'squee'?"

"Sound a crazed fangirl makes." Havoc mumbled. "Clears the board around you ten spaces."

Mustang gave him a smile. "Wanna play?"

Ed growled. He had that smug 'I already have the winning hand even though we haven't started playing' look. "Bring it on asshole."

"I see you understand how to use the yaoi fangirl already." Mustang smirked. "Ok, let's reset the board."

Ed sat down as Havoc dealt him a hand.

Mustang took his new cards and leaned back in his chair as Ed hunched over the table trying to figure out how to begin. "Start on the game of Life. Spin and pick either the long road to the Academy, more money and access to both alchemy skill card piles or the _short _road were you take your chances teaching yourself and have to linger in the shadows of a superior your entire career just to have an expense account for research and skill acquisition."

Ed watched the grimace form on Breda's face, a tell that Mustang just made that up to piss him off. "You just changed the rules."

"It's the game of life." Roy said with a monotone drone. "The rules are always changing and life isn't fair."

"That's cause you're a dick."

"Pick kid, lunch ends in ten minutes. " Roy replied coolly.

"What do I need money for?" Ed asked as Havoc handed him the play money.

"To buy skills, pay for damages in battle or rampages caused by your fangirl horde…." Roy cocked an eyebrow as Ed's eyebrow twitched angrily.

"In the game shithead." Ed snapped.

"I _am _talking about the game." Roy said with an innocent shrug. "The only damage _your _fangirls can do is to your self-esteem when they realize your a prepubescent midget. "

Havoc shook his head. "Should have warned you the Colonel is very competitive and cutthroat when it comes to games."

"We're just talking about the game again?" Ed grumbled and settled into his chair.

"Quit stalling and spin the wheel." Roy snorted.

Ed played his turns on the Life board before moving his little action figure to the CandyLand board. Mustang immediately threw a card at him.

"Sorry, broke your automail again. Skip two turns." Roy practically sang and smiled at him as he spun the wheel and moved his piece.

Ed placed his hands on his cards and grinned. Well two could _cheat _at this game! He changed his next card with alchemy and then frisbeed it at Mustang. "Lost your moral compass, skip four turns."

Roy narrowed his eyes at him. So that's how it was going to be? Fine. He doodled on the score keeping notepad and scratched out a simple transmutation circle. With a smirk he changed his next card and placed it on the board. "Piss off your girlfriend, minus ten health from wrench related concussion. Also two days in hospital."

Ed's hands pressed on the next card before tossing it on top of the last one played. "Piss off your Lieutenant and get pistol whipped, minus ten health and four days nursing your wounds like a baby."

Hawkeye looked up at the clock. One minute before lunch ended. She sighed as the two continued their stupid game.

Roy laughed and flicked the next card onto the pile. "Challenge superior officer to ridiculous battle of skills and get humiliated. Health minus five, fame negative fifty."

Ed's response was quick, "Forget to look at weather forecast, go fight super villain serial killer during a thunderstorm…get soaked and rendered useless. Street cred minus one hundred."

Hawkeye stood up after looking at the clock and walked over to the table. "Play stupid game, asshole points plus two thousand. Game over. "

Ed looked up at her annoyed. "But I didn't get to sink his battleship Royal or buy real estate in Central!"

"It's RoyAi." Breda informed him with a dreamy sigh. "The unsinkable ship."

"What?" Ed asked as the man seemed lost in a train of thought as both Mustang and Hawkeye shot him a glare.

Riza walked over and closed the Battleship Travel game and said, "Well I'm Queen of the pirates and I'm taking your stupid ships."

Breda pouted and began to clean up the cards that were thrown everywhere.

"Lunch is over. Clean up the toys and get back to work." Hawkeye snapped

"Who knew." Roy said with a smug grin. "Flame versus Fullmetal would be a _short _game? "

"Shove it!" Ed stood and growled at him as he leisurely slumped in his comfortable chair.

Hawkeye turned and 'accidentally' cracked Mustang in the head with the Battleship game. "Sorry sir, hard time getting around that inflated ego of yours."

Roy rubbed his head and frowned. "We'll play again tomorrow."

"Damn right we will." Ed declared.


	2. Drinking Games

_The Games We Play_

Chapter 2

**Drinking Games**

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><p>Havoc raised the bottle of expensive bourbon in a gesture of victory as Mustang's head hit the bar-top. "And he's out!"<p>

Breda slapped his hand on the bar to see if the Colonel stirred. When he didn't budge he let out a fit of drunken laughter and grabbed his beer. He tried to clink it against Havoc's bottle, but used a bit too much force and as the two glass containers collided, the bottle cracked.

Havoc let out a wail as the precious whiskey poured out of the bottle and onto Mustang's black hair along with a few chunks of glass . He lamented the loss of the liquor as he watched it pool around the man's head as he lie unconscious slumped over the bar. He flicked the piece of glass off his Colonel's head before grabbing him by the coat and pulling him up off the bar.

Breda watched the events play out as Havoc inspected the liquid on the bar to see if if was salvageable. He half expected him to start licking it off the bar. "So much for your prize."

There was a distinguishable mocking laugh from his best friend after that statement and Havoc frowned. What was the point of winning the drinking game if he didn't even get a sip of the victory whiskey after he won it? "But I won!"

Breda finished his beer and wiped his mouth off on his sleeve. "Well..we can always call Hawkeye to pick him up and see if you can't win the office pool. Buy your own damned fancy booze."

Havoc still had a hold of Mustang's coat effectively keeping him upright. His boss's mouth hung open as whiskey dripped out of his hair and down his face. Peanut skins were plastered on his cheek from his unceremonious crash into the dirty bar-top. Jean thought about the office pool they had going, the "Who makes them slip up and admit they're in love" pool. They also had a pool on how long it would take before Mustang realized his Mom was having phone sex with Grumman but that was taking so long it was depressing. Jean looked at the Colonel's drunken, drool/bourbon/peanut covered face and smirked. What the hell, why not? Payback for that humiliating loss in the stupid kid's gard game yesterday. "Yeah. Lets call Hawkeye to pick up her Colonel. We're too drunk to drive."

"We're very responsible." Breda snorted as Havoc let go of Mustang and the Colonel's head smacked into the bar again. They both paused and waited to make sure he wasn't going to fall off the bar stool before they went to the phone. He was proud of them for taking that measure, then realized they probably should be a bit more concerned about their brilliant commander's brain being bruised than him hitting the sticky floor. Then again if he wasn't using that brain of his to figure out that Grumman was talking dirty to his Mom all the time it wasn't really that valuable of an asset. I mean exactly how could you not think something dirty when you heard 'Christmas is cumming early, I didn't authorize that!' echoing down the halls of Eastern Command? He shuddered and finished off his beer to try and wash that filth from his thoughts.

Havoc pulled the card with the team's phone numbers out of his wallet and watched Breda put the change into the pay phone. He thought Breda looked a little sick, but didn't want to say anything. This was by far the best drinking game they had come up with. He dialed Hawkeye and put the card away, careful to return his wallet to where it belonged before he put it somewhere his inebriated mind couldn't recall. "Hawkeye!?"

Breda winced as Havoc yelled a bit too loudly to make sure she heard him over the noise in the bar.

"Hi. Yeah, maybe a little. The Colonel is passed out." Havoc declared and smiled at Breda.

Breda put his head against the wall and waited. He could almost see Hawkeye's disappoval.

Jean cleared his throat. "Hawkeye can you come get him? We can't drive."

Breda added with mock urgency and panic in his voice, "Help Jean! They're circling!"

Havoc had to suppress a giggle as he heard her ask what was circling, buzzards? "Worse! Fan girls! It's like an episode of 'When fan girls attack!' We can barely keep then off him, he's defenseless. Passed out...they're ruthless bitches."

"Jean! Get over here and help me! I can't get this one off his leg!" Breda cried out in his best distressed voice before giving in to some giggles and having Havoc kick him. "It's just like that damned card game, they've gone rabid! AH! AH!"

"God Hawkeye its like they're in heat! Breda and I are going to try and get him out back to the alley and keep him safe before they start tearing his clothes off. Hurry! We're at the Village Tavern. Breda! Quick! That blond has his hand in her mouth! Hell man, those fingers are insured! We don't know where she's been, don't let her suck on that!" Havoc covered his mouth to stop himself from laughing.

Breda chuckled as he slammed the phone down and they both turned to look at their beloved Colonel as he slipped off the bar stool and flopped onto the ground. He shrugged. "All fangirl related injuries. Totally plausible."

"So rock paper scissors to determine who gets his wallet out of his pants and pays our tab?" Havoc asked and smirked. He was beginning to feel the ill effects of the drinking game and wasn't really sure at this point he'd be able to recall the rules. Then again they worked for Mustang and he was a cheating bastard and always changed the rules, so nobody had a clear idea of what beat what anymore.

"I have a better idea." Breda chuckled and picked up their boss. He slung the man's arm over his shoulder and held him upright with his right arm. He dragged his limp form over to the table with some prowling cougars and said, "This man is Colonel Roy Mustang, Flame Alchemist and Hero of Ishval."

Havoc walked over and watched the older woman coo and purr at that announcement. He chuckled as he knew exactly where this was going.

"How much would you lovely ladies pay to put your hand in his pants and pull out his wallet?" Breda asked and their eyes grew wide and suddenly purses were being emptied on the table and a bidding war began.

Havoc felt bad that they were auctioning off rights to molest their precious leader, so he coughed and clarified Breda's statement for him. "His wallet...in his pocket. No hands in the pants, that's property of someone else."

Breda watched the ladies pout but still serve up stacks of bills to offer for the privilege. Havoc saved them both there, no way they were going to get any RoyAi action if Hawkeye suspected a bunch of perfumed cougars had been manhandling his privates. Then he snorted at the pun. "Yeah, our Lieutenant is the only one who knows how to take command of his privates."

Havoc snorted and chuckled. They really did drink too much.

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><p>When Hawkeye came around the corner of the bar she could only shake her head. There under the porch light by the back door of the bar set the mighty Flame Alchemist drooling on himself. Roy was propped up against a stack of empty crates with a gray tabby rubbing against his side and twitching it's tail, a sign that the feline had sprayed his jacket before walking away to avoid her gaze. She walked up to him and looked down at the sorry mess that was her commander. His jacket was covered in peanut shells, some paper products were stuck to him with some amber goo and it looked like some glass fragments were in his hair as they reflecting the light from the flickering bulb. She looked over at Havoc who was sitting on a crate smoking and Breda who gave her a cheerful grin as he counted a stack of cash. "You're just lucky it's Friday night and you all don't have to be at work until Monday."<p>

"Fangirls...outnumbered us. You might want to be careful to not touch his hand just yet." Havoc mumbled. "We haven't had time to disinfect it."

"So fangirls are the reason he has glass in his hair, smells like a distillery and cat piss and looks like he slept in a dumpster?" She asked and the both grinned, showing their lack of innocence.

"A bottle broke during a toast." Havoc said and snickered.

"It's Mustang," Breda added, "No surprise that a pussy couldn't help rubbing all over him."

Havoc snorted and started to laugh. He wanted to add something but just couldn't manage it. Instead he blew some smoke through his nostrils and tapped off some ash onto the pavement.

"Do you have his keys?" She asked.

Breda shook his head. "Getting in his pants is not in my job description."

Havoc cackled and slapped his knee. "Show us how it's done Lieutenant Hawkeye."

She glared at them both and bent down to carefully peel back his jacket so she didn't touch the cat piss. She was glad he was unconscious, last thing she needed was him mewling something inappropriate as she snaked her hand into his pocket to get his keys. "Why is there glitter on his pants?"

Meanwhile Havoc prayed to God that Mustang would awake from his stupor and confess his undying love for the woman hovering over him. It wasn't happening on it's own so he said a bit too loudly, "Yeah Hawkeye, get your hand in there deep and pull it out."

Breda bit his lip as she shot them both a glare and in a swift move pulled her gun from her back holster and pointed it at them. They both gulped.

"One more word and you both go to the hospital with flesh wounds tonight." She watched them both nod and turned as Mustang stirred. Her hand in his pocket froze and she hoped he would just stay unconscious.

Breda and Havoc held their breathe as they watched Mustang move a little. This could be it, it could be the moment!

Riza hurried and grabbed his keys, retracted her hand and holstered her gun in one quick movement. She took a deep breathe and stood up. "Where's the car?"

"Across the street." Breda replied and looked down as Mustang moved again, a slight twitch.

"Can you carry him?" She prodded. They had to know the alley was too small for the car and the entrance to the bar way too busy to double park in front of it while they tried to wrestle him out of his jacket and throw him in the back seat.

Havoc nodded. Yeah, they could carry him and poke him in the kidneys a few times to try and wake him up. "Yup."

Breda bent down to pick him up and realized he smelled terrible and it would likely rub off on his only nice suit. "A little help getting this coat off?"

Havoc tried to pull the jacket off as Breda held the Colonel by his vest and steadied him. "Hey Colonel, we're going to take you home. Hawkeye's here. She's going to drive us home."

Breda shook his head. No response. "Hawkeye has come to rescue you."

Havoc peeled the jacket off and and held it as far away from him as if it was a dirty diaper. He watched Breda lift the smaller man up, put his arm around his neck and carry/drag him towards the street. So far, no good. However they still had the car ride and getting him settled into his apartment to get him to awake up. He felt it in his gut, tonight was the night! Much better than a drinking game!

"Thousand cenz says she takes him back to her place." Breda gave Havoc a wink.

"You're on."

"Jean?" Breda asked and watched for him to open the door to the back seat. "Do you ever start to think we have a gambling problem?"

"Nah." Havoc bent down and smiled at Riza who was in the driver's seat already. "We're going to come with you so we can help carry him in. We going to your place or his?"

Riza blinked. She was hoping they'd just put him in the car and she'd take him home with her. With the way he worded it, it would definitely seem weird no matter how much she argued it was for his own protection. "Why would I take the Colonel home with me?"

Havoc stood up and winked at Breda. "His place, throw him in."

"Damn!"

"At least the dog won't be there." Havoc grinned and watched Breda dump Mustang in the back seat before hitting his head on the roof at the mention of the dog. Breda backed up and looked at the Colonel, his face smashed into the back seat and his ass sticking in the air.

Breda gave him the cash he just won and pointed to the seat next to Mustang's raised posterior. "Winner gets that seat."

"You want his head in your lap?" Havoc asked.

"Shit. Just get him upright before I get around to the other side of the car."

"Will do buddy." Havoc tossed his cigarette and ducked back into the car. It would be interesting to see how well Hawkeye navigated Mustang's apartment and if they could find anything of hers in his closet or bathroom. Game on!


End file.
